Mayan Calendar: Apocalypse or Armageddon?

THE MAYAN DEBATE: APOCALYPSE OR DOOMSDAY

You better hurry: According to the Mayan Calendar the last day to do Christmas Shopping will be December 21, 2012.

Go ahead and scoff; I did not believe it either until my daughter came home from Humboldt State; she filled me in whole conspiracy theory.

She says Humboldt students are facing a quandary: should they study for finals and miss the revelry of the Mayan Holy Week leading up to Armageddon; or not study for finals and find out too late that Kukulcan—the Oracle of Quetzalcoatl—was wrong in his prediction.

My Dentist, Doctor H, claims that his patients are asking him if they should continue to floss right up until December 21st.

Really, how much plaque can accrete in three weeks?

He’s saying we should never stop flossing—just what you’d expect from a Dentist.

With so many calamities facing us, it’s hard to pick which is the worst: the Fiscal Cliff, Christmas with the In-Laws or Mayan Oblivion.

Ancient Mayan Astrophysicists calculated that we are on a collision course with a rogue planet from another cosmos.

Two theories dominate the debate: one, this incoming planet is the Buckle off Orion’s belt; and two, it is a Sandal off Aquarius—the right sandal or left sandal makes little difference; this planet is hurling through space at nearly twice the Speed of Manifest Destiny.

This maverick planet was abandoned light years ago after the fossil fuels were depleted.

Imagine something hundreds of times bigger than the Titanic, operating at full throttle, but with no one at the helm—at least the Exxon Valdez had a Joe Hazelwood and a fifth of Seagram’s in the Wheel House.

Some people are already taking precautions; my neighbor Clay is packaging everything he owns in bubble wrap; including his bowling trophy.

The Scientific Community is contemplating an exodus an exoplanet: a planet beyond our Solar System.

Good luck with that one; two things they should think about before hopping the Star Shuttle.

Ignoring housing prices, what is the unemployment rate on this target planet?

And, what is the g-force on this Little Shangri-La?

Would you want to live on a planet where you weighed 4000 pounds?

If your sciatica and falling arches are bad at one g-force what will they be at 20 g’s?

Were it just the Mayans touting this theory, it could be dismissed as another Cosmic Prank like UC Tuition Hikes or the Shrapnel Fence around Historic Alameda High School, but even the Hopis are also prophesying that our shattered planet will form an third asteroid belt of flotsam, jetsam and Sam I am.

Talk about vengeance served cold—what did we ever do to the Hopis and could we please settle out of court?

Someday a Martian, sitting on his or her lanai, will look up into the night sky and see a “shooting star;” that mini-light show could be your family SUV, condo, your boat and trailer, or someone’s Franklin Mint Collection entering the Martian ozone layer at Mach 22.

Warning: when the planet fragments, all cable connections will be severed.

Wireless reception will also suffer due to the dust hurricane and the zillions of ions kicked up the blistering heat: think of the Edison Effect and then multiply that by Avogadro’s Number.

If the Humboldt exegesis is correct, Mayan deities are also part of the grand scheme.

Prior to this cosmic fender-bender, the Aztecs and Mayans anticipate the Return of Xibalba—the Prince of UV Light.

Xibalba is NOT coming back to shake our hand and congratulate us on how well we sealed off the border between Mexico and Arizona or fueled the Mexican Cartels.

Deities rarely come back unless they have grudges to settle: remember what happened to Tyre, Sidon and Detroit, Michigan?

Face it, Xibalba has a score to settle; most likely over the Cortes-Montezuma caper; one thing is for certain: we cannot depend on him for divine intersession so you might as well hang up the Prayer Beads and reach for the Greek Worry Beads and the Ouzo.

This is Montezuma’s Revenge on a much grander scale—as if we didn’t suffer enough after eating semi-fresh seafood in Tijuana or sunbathing nude on top of the Moon Pyramid at Chichen Itza without the sun screen.

Can we survive living on an asteroid belt, should we be worried?

As Environmentalist’s like to say, “Every cloud has a sulfur lining.”

If you anticipate Congress closing the tax loophole for interest on your home mortgage; Xibalba could be your best friend.

Knowing you have until December 21 to experience a little joie di vivre, can also be liberating.

The 1400 Club is hosting a Mayan Calendar Party on December 21; you can collectively raise a toast to Xibalba and Mike Cooper’s retirement at Happy Hour Prices, just as the cosmic fireworks start to crescendo.

Oh, if you are presently earning a paycheck, here is a tax tip: STOP paying withholding tax NOW.

The IRS is never going to catch up with you if you’re thumbing your nose at them from Pisces while they are marooned on Scorpio.

This tax tip is probably the reason the government does not want you to know about the Mayan Calendar; they’re completely fixated on that Fiscal Cliff.

Let’s not do anything rash while we are waiting for this to sort itself out . . . on the other hand, if you are shopping for Christmas, put all your purchases on your credit card . . . just to hedge your bets.

Jeffrey R Smith