An Open Letter to a Petty Thief

Dear Master Porch Burglar,

We just wanted to let you know that we were impressed with your talent for stealing bicycles in the middle of the night under the bright illumination of two porch lights and our neighbor’s motion-activated driveway light. It’s apparent that you have a promising future in petty theft and we wish you the best of luck in your endeavors.

It took incredible skill to push open our front porch door and maneuver our bikes from behind the door and then down the stairs while lit up like a Christmas tree – a Christmas tree most likely dressed in a hoodie lugging two bikes locked together like a couple of dead bodies.

Your friends will most assuredly be impressed with your score of two old bicycles covered in cobwebs, a horrendous amount of rust, and what we’re pretty sure was raccoon and/or cat urine. The shifter on my bike never did work quite right – sorry about not getting that fixed. They should sell for at least a few hits of meth to hold you over until you have to embark upon your next daring caper.

To be honest, we were pretty embarrassed about the rust. But we have jobs – jobs with work we do for what’s commonly known as a “paycheck.” If any of that is confusing, Google it. Suffice it to say, having a regular job really cuts into our leisure time, like bike riding, bicycle maintenance, photographing all of our property for insurance purposes and augmenting our home security systems.

But thanks to you, you’ve renewed our interest in extra-curricular activities, such as photography, making police reports and filing insurance claims that will allow us to not only replace those bicycles with something better, but we can also get a nice new security door and locks that will provide you with even greater challenge next time.

As you advance in your criminal career, it might not be a bad idea to brush up on your burglary skills, such as avoiding bright, motion-activated lights and cumbersome loot. Also, don’t forget to smile for surveillance cameras – smiles are always free and can really brighten up the footage. Finally, be sure to find a good dentist because if my husband ever finds you, you’ll need a nice new set of Chiclets.

Good luck and happy thieving.