Dear Other Parents At The Park:
Please do not lift my daughters to the top of the ladder, especially after you've just heard me tell them I wasn't going to do it for them and encourage them to try it themselves.
I am not sitting here, 15 whole feet away from my kids, because I am too lazy to get up. I am sitting here because I didn't bring them to the park so they could learn how to manipulate others into doing the hard work for them. I brought them here so they could learn to do it themselves.
They're not here to be at the top of the ladder; they are here to learn to climb. If they can't do it on their own, they will survive the disappointment. What's more, they will have a goal and the incentive to work to achieve it.
In the meantime, they can use the stairs. I want them to tire of their own limitations and decide to push past them and put in the effort to make that happen without any help from me.
It is not my job — and it is certainly not yours — to prevent my children from feeling frustration, fear, or discomfort. If I do, I have robbed them of the opportunity to learn that those things are not the end of the world, and can be overcome or used to their advantage.
If they get stuck, it is not my job to save them immediately. If I do, I have robbed them of the opportunity to learn to calm themselves, assess their situation, and try to problem solve their own way out of it.
It is not my job to keep them from falling. If I do, I have robbed them of the opportunity to learn that falling is possible but worth the risk, and that they can, in fact, get up again.
I don't want my daughters to learn that they can't overcome obstacles without help. I don't want them to learn that they can reach great heights without effort. I don't want them to learn that they are entitled to the reward without having to push through whatever it is that's holding them back and *earn* it.
Because — and this might come as a surprise to you — none of those things are true. And if I let them think for one moment that they are, I have failed them as a mother.
I want my girls to know the exhilaration of overcoming fear and doubt and achieving a hard-won success.
I want them to believe in their own abilities and be confident and determined in their actions.
I want them to accept their limitations until they can figure out a way past them on their own significant power.
I want them to feel capable of making their own decisions, developing their own skills, taking their own risks, and coping with their own feelings.
I want them to climb that ladder without any help, however well-intentioned, from you.
Because they can. I know it. And if I give them a little space, they will soon know it, too.
So I'll thank you to stand back and let me do my job, here, which consists mostly of resisting the very same impulses you are indulging, and biting my tongue when I want to yell, "BE CAREFUL," and choosing, deliberately, painfully, repeatedly, to stand back instead of rush forward.
Because, as they grow up, the ladders will only get taller, and scarier, and much more difficult to climb. And I don't know about you, but I'd rather help them learn the skills they'll need to navigate them now, while a misstep means a bumped head or scraped knee that can be healed with a kiss, while the most difficult of hills can be conquered by chanting, "I think I can, I think I can", and while those 15 whole feet between us still feels, to them, like I'm much too far away.
I have a child with multiple disabilities. She has worked hard for every step she takes. Every therapist and doctor she sees attributes it to us not to catering to her needs. If she is in obvious danger, by all means, save her. Otherwise, she's a lot tougher than she looks.
1. Your parenting is not being undermined by everyone who provides a suggestion and/or assistance. It is your own lack of self-confidence. An effective way to teach your child good life skills is to interact with your fellow humans in a well-mannered way. 2. Raising children is a social activity and you need to prepare them for a world filled with....people. You are not the sole human in existence. Look around, you are surrounded. Your inability to communicate in a polite and civil way will only perpetuate ignorance in our youth. 3. If a child is in need of assistance, you should assist them (that goes for everyone). You ARE being lazy when you sit on a bench. Do not confuse yourself with delusional thoughts that it is a part of some great "plan" because it is not. There are no union breaks in parenting. That's when accidents happen. Also, it's not okay to be a regular visitor to the ER.
Yes, this author was speaking about a child at a playground and not wanting others to assist her children as they learned to do things themselves. But I think some of you have missed the metaphor and made it about the dangers (and ER visits) of a playground. I believe the author's description of the "park" in question, is a microcosm of the world we live in. Children need to navigate the real world and in order to do so must bring the skills they learn in the "playground" with them. Today, as we wait later and later to have children, as we "plan" our families, perhaps deal with infertility issues, we forget that our job is to raise them to leave us. I include myself in this. Having "worked" very hard at having my children, I would have raised them under a protective bell jar if I could have. My mother had babies earlier in life. None of us were "planned" like we do now, and all of us learned things the hard way. She looked on and guided but did not swoop in to rescue us. Today we are all successful, honest and hard working. The more I look back, the clearer my parenting becomes.
I take my kids to the playground for fun and exercise, and I help them when their frustration or fear gets in the way of either. I lift them up to monkey bars they can swing across by themselves but can't access without a boost. I push them higher on swings than they can pump themselves. I offer a steadying hand to walk across the high balance beam. I have done the same for children who clearly needed help but whose caregivers were too out of shape or self-involved to provide it. If a kid asks for my help or looks longingly as if they want it, I'm going to offer help.
Amy