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Do Help My Kids... And Thank You All

Another Alameda mother's post in response to "Please Don't Help My Kids" blog, spurred on by my recent experience of... uhm... misplacing my child.

Let me start with expressing gratitude to people who pointed out which way my 2-year-old was running last Saturday at the shopping center in Bay Farm. Thank you, dear strangers! 

To give some context: I was having lunch at Subway with my two sons, and when the 5-year-old needed to use the bathroom, I made the call to leave the 2-year-old eating his soup at the table while we popped into the restroom for two minutes. It seemed like a safe decision at the time.

Well... he wasn't at the table anymore when we returned. It took another few minutes to look around near the lagoon — nobody there, no bubbles on the water — and then, hearts pounding, we started running along the parking lot yelling the little one's name at the top of our lungs, and some helpful folks said they'd seen a boy running towards Leydecker park playground.

We caught up to the little escape artist after he'd already crossed the busy driveway leading from the road into the shopping area. Fortunately, he was safe and sound, and we were just a bit shaken up.

Again — thanks to those who helped us! 

And here comes my plea to the community: next time, if you see a small child running alone near a parking lot, please feel free to stop him (yes, by physically grabbing, if necessary) and ask where his parents are. If the kid happens to be mine, I will be forever grateful and will never feel like you're stepping on my parenting toes.

Similarly, feel free to reprimand my child if he is acting aggressive at the playground and I'm slow to get involved; by all means, get my child down from a tall climbing structure if he is dangerously dangling there; give him a push on the swing if he's asking for one and I'm not answering; use your adult judgement and do what the situation calls for (including nothing, of course) and don't worry about offending me, the parent.

I feel the need to ask in the light of the recent fame of "Please Don't Help My Kids" blog post by a local Alameda mother which may have the unfortunate effect of making people curb their impulse to assist children. 

For full disclosure, I actually mostly agree with the "free range kids" philosophy and own Skenazy's book that became the bible of the movement. I also happen to have the type of children who never need to be encouraged to climb up to the tall slide; rather, my job is to ensure at least minimal safety while they fearlessly explore and I spot them.

However, I am neither omnipresent nor all-knowing and clearly do not always make the safest calls (remember the soup?) and therefore I welcome help of others, and gladly provide my assistance to kids around us.

Obviously, that means I may privately disagree with the kind of help someone may choose to give my kid. Parenting styles do differ, and that's fine. Maybe my son will be helped up or down when he could do it himself. Should that happen, I will remind him to say "thank you," and move on. He'll have plenty more chances to try his own powers, but fewer instances of receiving benevolent assistance from the community.

I welcome every chance to teach my kids that people help each other, and I would like our wonderful Alameda community to stay connected and willing to provide help.

If there is a choice to be made, let's err on the side of helping too much rather than not enough. Thank you.

Hal Jordan January 29, 2013 at 02:26 am
I couldn't agree with you more. When we help each other, big or small, we are teaching our children community, empathy and overall kindness. These virtues are running thin these days. Thank you for stepping up and voicing what many parents are thinking.
HappyAlamedan January 29, 2013 at 05:17 pm
Thank you for this! I also wholeheartedly agree. It does take a village and I agree with Hal that unfortunately lovely virtues of community and overall kindness are running thin. I also love how you say that you will just thank the helper even though you perhaps disagree with how they helped, they helped!!
avi January 29, 2013 at 05:24 pm
Nothing that you have addressed here had anything to do with "Please Don't Help My Kids" blog post by a local Alameda mother . The situation and scenarios are completely different.....with the possible exception of the swing example. And as far as the swing goes, it's a nice thought, but when I refuse to push my girls it's because they are being lazy and wanting someone else to do the job for them. Saving someone from a dangerous situation is very different then interfering in a Mother or Father's parenting techniques.
When helping a child at the playground (aside from a dangerous situation) I try to alway get an assenting nod from the parent (unless there is none in the vicinity), it's common curtesy and sometimes parents say no! HELP is defined as "Make it easier for (someone) to do something by offering aid". But as the mom from Alameda pointed out, making something easier is not always the best "help". My definition of HELP is closer to what I learned about LOVE, "offering assistance that is in the best interest of the persons involved". We should always try to take the bigger picture into account before we jump in to "save the day". This all being said, the balance you mentioned is also needed.... helping others is one of the greatest joys in life. It binds us together and should be cultivated in our children with an urgency. When it is truly needed, then give it joyfully with kindness, empathy, love, humility and gratefulness.
Jon Spangler January 30, 2013 at 02:09 pm
In our individualistic and independence-oriented society we have lost much of our sense of community and have stopped engaging with each other--adults as well as kids.
I have found that it is usually better to engage than not engage--to smile, say hello, ring my bike bell when passing kids walking or in strollers with their parents, or wave. Or intervene when I see someone at risk or potentially in need. (I try to remember to ask first whether someone needs my assistance.) As Avi said, it is smart and polite to check in with parents when approaching kids who seem in need or are apparently lost or alone: "When helping a child at the playground (aside from a dangerous situation) I try to alway get an assenting nod from the parent (unless there is none in the vicinity), it's common curtesy and sometimes parents say no!" I spent 15 years in retail supporting parents simply by saying that their sometimes-hard-to-control kids were healthy, active kids--which was obvious. I cannot tell you how often I received a grateful (if harried) smile and look or word of appreciation for my having recognized that they had their hands full--in a very good and normal way. :-) And at the Alameda Farmer's Market small kids are always wandering away from busy parents. Most parents genuinely appreciate my gentle reminder to the kid to return to their mom or dad--before they get too many yards away...
Daria Mehra January 30, 2013 at 03:54 pm
Thank you for feedback! I see now that my original post did not enunciate why I see helping a child in a possibly dangerous situation and helping a child who is simply requesting help as one and the same. It seems to me that placing the responsibility for figuring out whether help is truly required on the shoulders of the "stranger" is too big of a burden. It's hard for a non-parent to know whether a given task is developmentally appropriate for a particular child, whether s/he is truly having trouble or just being lazy, and even to estimate danger the same way the parent would (some of us are more cautious than others). If the fear of overstepping the boundary and interfering with the parent's unstated wishes is the main deciding factor, then many would choose to withhold help and avoid connecting in any situation other than outright danger (drowning child, etc). And then I see us becoming a non-community of loners.
Daria Mehra January 30, 2013 at 03:59 pm
To give an example that doesn't involve danger to the child: now and then I'm playing a game in the park with my sons, and another child (who was previously engaged in climbing) tries to join our game. My instinct is to include this child... now it occurs to me that the child's parent may prefer to see more climbing practice instead. As per suggestion to check in with the parent, I'd have to ask if it's okay to have the kid play with us, like playing tag is some kind of questionable activity needing permission. Do you feel the waning of my desire to connect?..
I'd much rather see my kids interacting with others, getting nagged by helpful grandmas, receiving occasional finger wags and even the rare unsolicited candy (if they can't have it, I'll deal with that). My wish for them is to grow up as part of a connected world, and that's not something I can teach them in the privacy of our home. We need people to become people.
AI January 30, 2013 at 04:51 pm
I agree with you, avi. It is completely off the topic from "Please Don't Help My Kids" blog. Adults giving kids an easy shortcut (lifting up the writer's kid on top of the ladder) during kids' learning process is like giving out answers while kids are doing homework. It is different from saving kids from a dangerous situation like this "Do Help My Kids" writer's. Don't step in other parents' discipline styles, but do step in any abuse and kids safety.
Scott Carter January 30, 2013 at 10:06 pm
Dear lady....You are an absolute IDIOT for leaving a 2-year old child alone in a restaurant/shopping center...or anywhere for that matter. You are obviously a very ignorant and unfit mother whom nobody should be taking advice from. Start watching and disciplining your own children with more frequency and intention and nobody will have to help you with basic parenting! If you are dumb enough to leave your 2-year old unattended, or if you are not paying attention enough to push your own child on the swing or recognize when they are in a dangerous situation at the park then maybe some needs to take your kids away from you rather than parent them for you, before they end up being abducted, dead, or grow up to be an irresponsible menace to society.
Tom Brody January 30, 2013 at 10:51 pm
This is a rather strange "news story." I would never publish a news story where I admitted that I am a careless parent. Also, I would never publish a news story, where I invite total strangers to look after my child. If the writer truly feels that she is not capable of looking after her child on her own, there are various options. These include: (1) Get married, and by doing so, acquire a free-of-charge care-giver for your child; (2) Transfer guardianship of the child to a relative; (3) Put the child up for adoption; and (4) Acquire training in parenting. It is possible that the 2-year college on Alameda's west end has a course on parenting.
Daria Mehra January 31, 2013 at 05:38 pm
Hate mail is not welcome on the Patch.
Analisa Harangozo (Editor) January 31, 2013 at 09:30 pm
Tom, just to clarify.. this wasn't a news story. It was a blog submitted by a reader. Anyone is free to post a blog on Patch, as long as it does not violate Patch's Terms of Use.
Melvin Grimes February 1, 2013 at 08:51 pm
This is just mean spirited. Anyone who has been a parent has done things like this. Some of us got lucky and nothing bad happened. Some of us have had worst case scenarios. And others, like the author, got slapped around a little by life but set down no worse for the wear. Anyone who has this kind of a holier than thou attitude is either a jerk or doesn't have any kids and shouldn't say anything because you CLEARLY DON'T KNOW HOW PARENTING WORKS. So get off your high horse, Tom.
Jon Spangler February 2, 2013 at 02:30 am
Scott Carter and Tom Brody,
I would be concerned about any person--especially a child-- who was regularly subjected to un-constructive and harsh words like the ones you have freely offered above. If your judgmental comments above are typical of how you interact with others I would not wish for a child or an adult to be exposed to such toxicity for very long. Even IF you are correct in your assessments of Maria Terra's behavior--and I am not willing to grant you that point, since I question your accuracy as well as your methods--I have to ask: 1) Who gave you the right to sit in judgment over others? Are you so perfect and without sin that you are qualified to cast the first (or second) stone? 2) Where did you receive your professional credentials for evaluating other people based on what they write in a blog post? 3) When was the last time you walked a mile in anyone's mocassins? (You both write as if doing so would be a brand new experience.) 4) Do you understand what compassion is? (I have to go by the evidence that I read when considering the answer to my question, which I would prefer to not be a rhetorical one.) "Judge not, lest ye be judged..." "Love one another as I have loved you..." "Do no harm..."

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Harve Coats June 14, 2013 at 09:17 pm
Woke me from a dead sleep. Sounded like 6 or 9 gun shots north of Melrose on Maitland DR.
David Howard June 15, 2013 at 02:08 pm
APD said they found no evidence of gun shots and suspect fireworks.Read More http://www.action-alameda-news.com/2013/06/09/fourth-of-july-public-service-announcement/
JSanders June 17, 2013 at 11:55 am
When they build that high density development on the Harbor Bay Club site with 25% low incomeRead More housing requirement, Bay Farm will be hearing a lot more gun shots at night.
Analisa Harangozo (Editor) June 12, 2013 at 11:42 am
So sad to see. Did you report this to East Bay Regional Park District? I provided the number in yourRead More last posting.
Lorraine Sarullo June 12, 2013 at 12:35 pm
Yes, I reported it to the EBRP staff who happened to be nearby at the beach. I also reported it toRead More the warden of Fish and Wildlife in Sacramento and the warden of the local territory. The local warden told me yesterday that he will be patrolling the area, but I did not get to speak to him today (only left both wardens a voicemail message).
Analisa Harangozo (Editor) June 12, 2013 at 04:11 pm
Nice, thanks for the update, and sharing these posts with us, Lorraine. If it is a person behind allRead More of this, hopefully he/she will get caught soon.
Carol Parker June 12, 2013 at 12:00 pm
Anonymous tip to the fire department?
quietneeded June 12, 2013 at 04:17 pm
Leaving a note to them is a bad idea if it really is a illegal operation. So many ways that can goRead More wrong. Just call the police dept. Leave a tip. Simple and safe.
Analisa Harangozo (Editor) June 13, 2013 at 09:03 am
Agree with Carol. Perhaps an anonymous tip to Alameda Fire or Alameda Police.
Alex Gronke (Editor) June 11, 2013 at 07:35 am
My condolences to Mort's family. This was a man who had a rich, full life. Thank you for sharing.
Nay June 11, 2013 at 09:24 am
Given the targeted harvesting of parts, this is not a "times are hard and food is scarce"Read More issue. It's greedy, ignorant, and yes it's disgusting and disrespectful to nature. http://blogs.scientificamerican.com/extinction-countdown/2012/01/17/manta-rays-endangered-by-sudden-demand-from-chinese-medicine/
Lorraine Sarullo June 11, 2013 at 04:13 pm
Thank you both (Nay and Analisa) for the information. Maybe I got the name of the park serviceRead More mixed up. It was the beach area around Grand St.
Lorraine Sarullo June 11, 2013 at 11:18 pm
I contacted Crown Beach (part of the EBRP). They checked into the matter with Fish and WildlifeRead More (previously Fish and Game), to see if there was any wrongdoing. On the surface of things, it seems the wings (fins) are the edible part of the ray. And apparently, the way regulations are written it may not be even be considered littering! So, however inhumane, disrespectful, selfish, gruesome it may seem, there may not have been any fishing laws broken. Although, when I spoke with the warden of Fish and Wildlife he said he will be looking into the matter. To voice your opinion and propose changes to regulation, you can write a letter to and attend a Fish and Game Commission town hall meeting here is the link: http://www.fgc.ca.gov/contact/ and http://www.fgc.ca.gov/meetings/2013/index.aspx I plan on writing to suggest regulation against polluting public beaches with unused portions of the catch from fishing and also ask for recommendations on limiting the catch on fish that only have small percentage of edible parts (such as the rays). I would welcome any help in a letter writing campaign, the contact information is listed on the link provided above. Many Thanks.