Let me start with expressing gratitude to people who pointed out which way my 2-year-old was running last Saturday at the shopping center in Bay Farm. Thank you, dear strangers!
To give some context: I was having lunch at Subway with my two sons, and when the 5-year-old needed to use the bathroom, I made the call to leave the 2-year-old eating his soup at the table while we popped into the restroom for two minutes. It seemed like a safe decision at the time.
Well... he wasn't at the table anymore when we returned. It took another few minutes to look around near the lagoon — nobody there, no bubbles on the water — and then, hearts pounding, we started running along the parking lot yelling the little one's name at the top of our lungs, and some helpful folks said they'd seen a boy running towards Leydecker park playground.
We caught up to the little escape artist after he'd already crossed the busy driveway leading from the road into the shopping area. Fortunately, he was safe and sound, and we were just a bit shaken up.
Again — thanks to those who helped us!
And here comes my plea to the community: next time, if you see a small child running alone near a parking lot, please feel free to stop him (yes, by physically grabbing, if necessary) and ask where his parents are. If the kid happens to be mine, I will be forever grateful and will never feel like you're stepping on my parenting toes.
Similarly, feel free to reprimand my child if he is acting aggressive at the playground and I'm slow to get involved; by all means, get my child down from a tall climbing structure if he is dangerously dangling there; give him a push on the swing if he's asking for one and I'm not answering; use your adult judgement and do what the situation calls for (including nothing, of course) and don't worry about offending me, the parent.
I feel the need to ask in the light of the recent fame of "Please Don't Help My Kids" blog post by a local Alameda mother which may have the unfortunate effect of making people curb their impulse to assist children.
For full disclosure, I actually mostly agree with the "free range kids" philosophy and own Skenazy's book that became the bible of the movement. I also happen to have the type of children who never need to be encouraged to climb up to the tall slide; rather, my job is to ensure at least minimal safety while they fearlessly explore and I spot them.
However, I am neither omnipresent nor all-knowing and clearly do not always make the safest calls (remember the soup?) and therefore I welcome help of others, and gladly provide my assistance to kids around us.
Obviously, that means I may privately disagree with the kind of help someone may choose to give my kid. Parenting styles do differ, and that's fine. Maybe my son will be helped up or down when he could do it himself. Should that happen, I will remind him to say "thank you," and move on. He'll have plenty more chances to try his own powers, but fewer instances of receiving benevolent assistance from the community.
I welcome every chance to teach my kids that people help each other, and I would like our wonderful Alameda community to stay connected and willing to provide help.
If there is a choice to be made, let's err on the side of helping too much rather than not enough. Thank you.
When helping a child at the playground (aside from a dangerous situation) I try to alway get an assenting nod from the parent (unless there is none in the vicinity), it's common curtesy and sometimes parents say no! HELP is defined as "Make it easier for (someone) to do something by offering aid". But as the mom from Alameda pointed out, making something easier is not always the best "help". My definition of HELP is closer to what I learned about LOVE, "offering assistance that is in the best interest of the persons involved". We should always try to take the bigger picture into account before we jump in to "save the day". This all being said, the balance you mentioned is also needed.... helping others is one of the greatest joys in life. It binds us together and should be cultivated in our children with an urgency. When it is truly needed, then give it joyfully with kindness, empathy, love, humility and gratefulness.
I have found that it is usually better to engage than not engage--to smile, say hello, ring my bike bell when passing kids walking or in strollers with their parents, or wave. Or intervene when I see someone at risk or potentially in need. (I try to remember to ask first whether someone needs my assistance.) As Avi said, it is smart and polite to check in with parents when approaching kids who seem in need or are apparently lost or alone: "When helping a child at the playground (aside from a dangerous situation) I try to alway get an assenting nod from the parent (unless there is none in the vicinity), it's common curtesy and sometimes parents say no!" I spent 15 years in retail supporting parents simply by saying that their sometimes-hard-to-control kids were healthy, active kids--which was obvious. I cannot tell you how often I received a grateful (if harried) smile and look or word of appreciation for my having recognized that they had their hands full--in a very good and normal way. :-) And at the Alameda Farmer's Market small kids are always wandering away from busy parents. Most parents genuinely appreciate my gentle reminder to the kid to return to their mom or dad--before they get too many yards away...
I'd much rather see my kids interacting with others, getting nagged by helpful grandmas, receiving occasional finger wags and even the rare unsolicited candy (if they can't have it, I'll deal with that). My wish for them is to grow up as part of a connected world, and that's not something I can teach them in the privacy of our home. We need people to become people.
I would be concerned about any person--especially a child-- who was regularly subjected to un-constructive and harsh words like the ones you have freely offered above. If your judgmental comments above are typical of how you interact with others I would not wish for a child or an adult to be exposed to such toxicity for very long. Even IF you are correct in your assessments of Maria Terra's behavior--and I am not willing to grant you that point, since I question your accuracy as well as your methods--I have to ask: 1) Who gave you the right to sit in judgment over others? Are you so perfect and without sin that you are qualified to cast the first (or second) stone? 2) Where did you receive your professional credentials for evaluating other people based on what they write in a blog post? 3) When was the last time you walked a mile in anyone's mocassins? (You both write as if doing so would be a brand new experience.) 4) Do you understand what compassion is? (I have to go by the evidence that I read when considering the answer to my question, which I would prefer to not be a rhetorical one.) "Judge not, lest ye be judged..." "Love one another as I have loved you..." "Do no harm..."