The Breeders: New-Parent vs. Non-Parent Friends

When we decided to have a kid we figured we would be an anomaly among our friends. We have a number of friends who have kids, but none of them are in the immediate vicinity. The south bay and Texas? Sure. But we figured once we are sleep deprived with a fussing infant, that drive to San Jose might seem just as long as a flight to Texas.

In the Bay Area, and other urban centers, our situation is not all that unique. If procreating is something they want to do, people are waiting longer to do it. My great-aunt would probably have described our life and circle of friends as “bohemian.” She would have meant it as a compliment, too. For many of us career and personal growth have been the focus of our adult years. And sometimes we’re just not quite ready to give up all the freedoms that come with a kid-free lifestyle.

But, we weren’t all that worried about our lack of friends with kids. Our friends were all VERY excited when they heard the news that we were expecting (that date we are waiting for is Monday, by the way...). Our kid will have lots of “aunties” - not to be confused with my sister who will be the unmatched and irreplaceable Aunt-with-a-capital-A. But as my pregnancy progressed, I realized that one of my friend’s warning that our lives would change was right (she is a very wise “auntie”), even if I was hesitant to admit it.

Getting married two years ago didn’t change who I am. If anything it made me more secure in who I am. I hope becoming a mother will be similar — it will make me a better Me. Of course, I know the details of our lives will change. We won’t be able to host giant costume parties, or be the last to leave those hosted by our friends. I know bedtimes will be earlier and nap time and potty training will have to be factored into our social schedule. Parenthood will be the most important thing I do in my life and so I plan to throw myself into it fully. But, I didn’t want to be “that friend.” You know, the one that only talks about her kid’s diapers without sparing the slightest detail and how her kid is absolutely the smartest kid in town — though I’m sure I’ll think he is a genius.

But as my pregnancy has progressed, I’ve realized that while I’m still the same person who reads too much, is wiling to voice my opinion on a variety of topics, and likes to host events large and small, my focus has been forced to change. I still read too much, but my RSS feed has gotten longer with pregnancy and mommy blogs added to political ones. I’m still opinionated (as evidenced by sharing those views on the internet), but I now have educated views on pregnancy and birth in addition to domestic and foreign affairs. I still host friends, but for shorter amounts of time and without the accompanying baked goods, because baking and pregnancy are both surprisingly hard on your feet. But more than that, pregnancy is not just a temporary state of being, it affects how you go about your daily routine and even affects your ability to the things you enjoy doing, whether its learning that you can’t spend the whole night on the dance floor, or that it might take you a few seconds longer to think of the name of the foreign dictator who is all over the news.

At this point I think pregnancy and parenthood are similar to many other life changes that don’t necessarily change who you are but expand your interests, and by association, your circle of friends. A friend of mine recently returned to being a full-time student. We now have less time to spend together because of her necessary focus on studying and clinical work. And naturally, she has made new friends through school. Sure, I can commiserate about being assigned slacker members of group projects, but not in as great of detail as her new friends who share the class with her. I’m also not online to do it at 1 a.m. while she works to finish the same final paper her classmates are struggling with. We are still friends, but the time we share and the context of our relationship is different than that of her other friends. The same can be said of parent and non-parent friends.

Luckily, I was wrong when I thought I’d be the only one of our friends going through pregnancy and parenthood. A woman I had only recently become friends with announced her pregnancy just a few months before I announced mine. We also seem to be in the midst of something of a baby boom, so many friends have introduced me to their friends who are also pregnant or new parents. The same friend who warned me that life would change has been incredibly gracious listening to my litany of physical changes over instant messenger, but sharing pregnancy woes and worries about impending parenthood with people who are going through the same experience is a little different. The number of emails and text messages I send to friends who are pregnant or new moms, near and far, has dramatically shot up and once a week I now meet up with two friends who have recently become mothers at our local coffee shop while the rest of our friends are at work.

But, I think these new-parent social interactions are based on more than changes in schedule. To outsiders, these might just be social interactions, which much of them are, but I think they are a bit more than that. My mother’s generation would have called it “consciousness raising,” sharing personal experiences to make lives better on a somewhat larger scale. Sure we complain about poorly fitting nursing bras and compare notes about what constitutes normal swollen feet and what requires a call to the doctor, but we also offer each other advice about where to go for nursing support and the best resources to address employers who would rather not adhere to the Family Medical Leave Act. And to me both types of conversation are equally important.

I still think motherhood won’t change who I am. Hopefully it will make me a better and more interesting me. But, I’m guessing my new-parent friends will be much more willing to listen to my travails with spit-up and poopy diapers than my friends without kids.